Why Don't I Need People?

This post is pretty off the cuff. I should be finishing my old blogs, but I felt like I needed to get this out there. I don't know why I don't need people. At least for a few days or a week I'm sure. Naturally I've never managed to go very long without seeing someone I know so I've never been able to test it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I don't need people at all. I'd crack after a certain amount of time, but why so long in the first place? I hardly ever have a huge urge to want to spend time with someone. It's been a huge difficulty with friendships and definitely in relationships.

I went away for a week by myself in January to Norway so I could have some time by myself. That was the most solitary I've been in a while and I actually really enjoyed every day of it. By the end of the week, I had recharged my introvert battery and was excited to go back home and see people, but I didn't have to. I'd like to, but if it wasn't possible for whatever reason, it wouldn't really bother me. Is that wrong?

I have great friends. Incredible friends who want to spend time with me and I want to spend time with them, but a real NEED? A need to message a friend and really really hope that they say yes or else I'll feel like shit? Can't say it's really happened to me. Well, not recently. Perhaps I don't ask because of a deep fear of rejection or more likely a fear of dependence? That if I ask someone if they want to hang out, they will know that I have nothing better to do. It sounds really stupid writing it out like that, but I'm just spitballing. Perhaps I've just been fortunate to always have someone there that I've never gone without like some people have? Or maybe it's just as simple as not wanting to bother them?

This sounds super unrelated, but it absolutely isn't. My favourite video game of all time is Final Fantasy 8. The main character is a person called Squall. He was an orphan who became attached to a girl at his orphanage that was like a sister figure to him. She left and it crushed him. He decided to grow up without any emotional ties or dependencies to anyone. I don't feel like my life is in any way similar or linked with this fictional character, but he really resonated with me as a kid and still does today.

There were times where I didn't want to do anything with my life because I was scared of losing everything. I would intentionally be a dick sometimes so people wouldn't get attached and vice versa. One time when I was a teenager, I went to my Nan's grave at night and told her about all of this and how confused I was. It helped to get it off my chest, but it didn't solve anything.

I'm unsure what the point of this post is. I think it's to try and figure out if I want to be this type of person who depends on others. Everyday I strive to make myself a better person thus alleviating dependence on others. If someone can't or won't do something for me for whatever reason, I won't complain. I'll just do it myself or I'll find another way. I feel like I always have.

Getting back on topic of finishing old blogs, I know I said I wouldn't mention them until I was done, but fuck it. I needed to write something in the present to prove that I could do it. It's been really difficult recently finishing the older ones, but I'm close. I feel that once I have completed all of the 2016 blogs by early December, I can begin to live in the present and things will begin to change for the better. I can start asking people to do things. That shouldn't be too difficult, but the dependence will take a lot of time.