An Impromptu Rant
Just been feeling a bit shit lately. Some days are really bad. No real idea why. Is this depression again? I don't really remember what it felt like. This feels a little different.
If I had a guess at what could fix it, it would be another week by myself (like in Norway), but it wouldn't have to be abroad. Right here would be fine. A week to just get shit sorted around the house. The house is a state and I can't be fucked to work too hard on it because of this feeling and the god damn heat. It hasn't rained in ages.
I can't seem to stay on top of the housework. My weight hasn't seemed to have changed. Right now, between the general housework, trying to lose weight, keeping spending down, constant driving, seeing people, work and most obviously, the heat, I've just about had it. Nothing seems to be going anywhere. I feel like I'm doing fuck all. Wasting my summer away. I'm glad I'm doing some of the biggest things of my life this year like InterRailing with Kim, going to Berlin with the guys and possibly getting a house, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything else with my time.
It's the little things I feel like I'm missing out on. I'm seeing people going out for bike rides, days out, trips to the beach, gigs, food festivals. Even just down the pub (I'm sorry for all the lists this evening. It seems like there's a lot). I'm not really jealous because I could be doing them. I just really can't seem to get the motivation to.
As before, I feel like I'm also finding it hard to open up again. As smiley as I am, I feel like I can never show true full-blown emotion. Like when something incredible happens. I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but it's just difficult to get crazy excited for anything now. All these crazy things happening this year and I don't feel that excited counting down the days for any of them. Maybe I'm just not that type of person?
Ieu showed me the film Human Traffic last night. It's an incredible film and I had a great time watching it, but I couldn't help feel shit knowing I could never ever reach any of the character's enthusiasm. I know they're exaggerated characters in a movie, but it still affected me. The only thing that may actually work is this new house. Hopefully its new location will help me to get out of the house, go for more walks, explore new places, be more creative and learn new things.
Finally, after a really good stint with Kim, I feel like we're out of the loop again. The fault is totally on my end. I'm not going to bed the same time as her. Not even attempting to have any amazing discussions together. We're still doing some things, but this feeling is getting in the way. I hate relying on a purchase to fix a relationship, but I'm really banking on the new house bringing us closer again. The InterRail trip together will be before that though, so I'm thinking that should help. I really hope so.
As always, I hate writing these fucking awful journal posts, but I guess this thing can't always be sunshine and puppies (there better not be any more sunshine around here). How about rainstorms and power cuts instead? I'm gonna go watch another episode of Last of the Summer Wine.
